Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.