Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

*files a restraining order against reality*

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

They must have gotten it to go.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.