Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m confused about plants

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

The news is so predictable nowadays

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’