Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Help
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.