Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
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Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Good morning, Twitter x
looks legit
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.