Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

(Musicians.)

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names