Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.