Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
