Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
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MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.