Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
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uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
