Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
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Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.