absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
You Might Also Like
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I feel seen.
Awwwww shit.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?