absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
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It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
im 7 sauces long
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*