absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.