Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Ludacris once said “If you ain’t got no money take yo’ broke a$$ home” and I haven’t left the house since
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
It’s the weekend y’all
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.