Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi