Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
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Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My typo game is string.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses