Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Blocked: 1985
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
No.
me and my fake scenarios
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!