Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?