Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

😂

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner