Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
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[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?