absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.