absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.