absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Hey i am sexy to you now
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
cry laughing at this shit
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes