Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
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[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh