Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

[canadians at you, canadianly]

<—- homeless romantic

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no