Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
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What even happened today?
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
in the ocean
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Basically, any European coat of arms:
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.