Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.