Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”