Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

in 3 months

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL