Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
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Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*