Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Thanks to a fan for this one.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Good morning, Twitter x