Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

I finally found a reason to live again.

👍

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.