Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die