Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
ready to be harvested
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Look, a pure bread cat!
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Good morning
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.