absolutely not
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*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Holy crap this is wonderful
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…