absolutely not
You Might Also Like
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.