absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
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Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Most Common Source of Electricity
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.