Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

Chemical wingman

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.