absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
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Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
San Francisco has too many rules
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My first child will be named New Folder.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Just a reminder, folks:
