Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

felt that

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.