Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I put the I in Insufferable.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.