Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[party in 1939]
teen: truth or dare
teen: dare you to invade poland
hitler: omg no way u guys
all the teens: DO IT DO IT
When Catwoman gets older, does she become Cougarwoman?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”