Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
i want to work in this restaurant
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Owl Sanctuary
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?