Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
You Might Also Like
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
How does one answer this?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
🤷♀️
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
so, is there a mister shapen head
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?