Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator