Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses