Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
You Might Also Like
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
2023 was just a warmup
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.