absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*