absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
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This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*