absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.