Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

Light as a feather, smorg as a board