Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
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I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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