Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
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So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Eat…
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Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
The USS B port
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Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
this was the best i’ve ever seen
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing