Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
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Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents