Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.