Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
u spoke cat all this time??????
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
doing some research
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman