Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you