AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’