Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.