AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
You Might Also Like
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
If my kids invented a drink.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Never let them know your next move 😂
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
🌱🌱🌱
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard