Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.