AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
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Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
