AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.