AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
You Might Also Like
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.