AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
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Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I don’t make the rules sorry
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.