AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.