AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”