AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.