AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.