ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
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Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”