Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.