Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

SQUARREL

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.