academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
They’re the worst 😩
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]