Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]